The Men Drinkin’ Coffee in:
Mind Over Mastodon
by Alan Smithee
CHAPTER ONE: The Dark Scientific Method
DiaperChris and No Internet Name Anthony arrived at the studio at 10:00 am. Judge Reinhold (the Let’s Player, not the actor) had told them to arrive no later than 9:59…PM! The previous night!
“I just wanna throw this out there,” Anthony bellowed, “but Judge is literally going to be peeved that we’re super late again!”
Judge’s head popped into view, as if summoned. His face was blackened by soot, but not in a racially insensitive way. His hands were covered in grease of the elbow variety.
DiaperChris piped up, “Hey, what’s with the soot, [Judge’s Real Name]? Uh… oh. Oops.”
Judge rolled his eyes and sighed.
“Y’know, when I use my YouTube fortune to hire a series of intermediaries to summon you guys to the studio, the least you could do is show up on time!”
“Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner,” Anthony referenced.
Judge cleared his throat and it became apparent that he was standing next to a large machine of his own design. It reached the ceiling and filled almost the entire studio!
“Whoa. Nice machine. Does it do, uh, laundry, or… nevermind,” Chris stated slowly, checking his phone.
Judge explained. “Well, gentlemen, as you know I’ve been unironically checking out Neil DeGrasse Tyson memes on The Reddit lately, and I learned that science is really… frick-awesome. So I built us a dimensional podplayer that will allow us to LP throughout time and space.”
“Cool,” Chris laughed. “Y’know, that Neil Tyson… he knocked out Carl Sagan in 90 seconds.” Everybody stifled their laughter.
“Neil DeGrasse Tyson… more like Neil DeWEED Tyson!” Anthony cackled, loud enough that it would be uncomfortable for someone to listen to through a pair of headphones. Everybody became silently upset at him, but it was okay because that’s what he wanted and expected to happen. Chris ran his hands along the dimensional podplayer’s side gently, like a lover’s touch.
“So, uh, when are we gonna fire this bad boy up?” he asked with a tinge of false sincerity. Judge flipped the mighty breaker switch, which was lined with high-quality faux-marble linoleum. The dimensional podplayer sparked to life, shimmering with blue energy. The room shook. A floating orb of water began to envelope the coffee men.
“Eh, what are we gonna do, play Blitzball over here?” Anthony squawked in an exaggerated Italian-American accent.
“Yeah, uh, that’s the reference, Anthony,” Judge chided him. The orb of water grew and grew. Electrical beams of lightning shot into it, but instead of charring their bodies it elicited a tickly feeling.
Suddenly, the electricity fizzled out and the orb of water vanished.
“SHIT!” a frustrated Judge marched behind the dimensional podplayer and began fiddling with wires and audio settings. “This fucking shit, I swear to G-d,” he muttered, “it worked when I tried it before…”
Taking the cue, Anthony turned to Chris. “Sooo, have you seen that the Discovery Channel is gonna air a guy getting eaten by a snake?”
“What? That’s not real,” Chris replied.
“No! No they are! This guy is going to put on, literally, an anti-snake-being-eaten suit and get eaten by… what’s that large snake?”
“Uh, Anaconda, starring Jennifer Lopez, or as I call her, J-Lo?”
“Yeayeahyeah yeah. But, personally, to me, she’s still just Jenny From the Block.”
“Y’know, I think I saw one of those anti-snake suits at the army surplus store. I said ‘gimmie one of those anti-snake suits, some camouflage sleeping bags, a pocket knife that can tell me polar north…”
Judge made some noise somewhere behind the machine.
“Uhh, why don’t you take the Professor in back and plug him into the hyperdrive?” Anthony ululated before adding, “That’s from Star Wars.”
Twenty minutes later, the dimensional podplayer was more or less working as intended.
“I decree this as the maiden voyage of the Dimensional Podplayer!” Judge pulled the switch again.
“Mad Dog McCree,” Anthony added, helpfully, as this time the orb of water devoured them whole… and made them vanish without a trace!
CHAPTER TWO: JURASSIC DORKS
The coffee men reappeared exactly where they were standing… but the studio wasn’t! Instead volcanoes and stuff like that surrounded them! Winged dinosaurs flew overhead.
“Where are we?” Chris asked.
“More like… WHEN are we?” Anthony answered. It sounded a lot like one of his bad puns but it was actually a legitimate question this time, because of the dinosaurs and unformed land.
“Well, we’re Catholic, so I’m gonna say about five thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine years ago,” Judge said, probably ironically.
“Listen to this guy! Olllld daddy conservative,” Chris callbacked. “Hey. I don’t see how this is any different from Ray Bradbury’s The Sounged of Thunder.” His tongue had stumbled on his own joke.
“Yep. Nailed it,” Judge teased, “Ray Bradbury in: A Thong of Sunder.”
“Ray Bradbury’s A Song of Ice and Thunder,” Anthony added.
Suddenly, there was movement! Before the coffee crew stood a luscious babe honey, clad in a tiger-skin bikini… made out of real tiger skin! SABRE TOOTH tiger that is! But she was a gorgeous big booty ho. When she opened her mouth, it was like the singing of angels.
“HEY THERE! Welcome to Pangea!”
Judge fell in love at first sight.
“Hey, look at Judge over there,” Chris smirked, “He’s got, like… his eyes are shaped like hearts or something. Y’know what I’m talking about?”
“I’m just gonna throw this out there,” Anthony yawped, “but if someone’s eyes actually did that it would be legitimately horrifying.”
Judge ignored his two compadrés and moved closer to his new love. He put his arms around her bare midriff, but his gentlemanly ways kept his hands hovering above the surface of her skin.
“I love you unironically, Cave-Jess. Tell me. What do I need to do to make you happy? I would do anything. I would podplay the Blackwater Kinect game for you. I would find a way to stream in smell-o-vision. I would set up a kickstarter for a fantasy adventure game based on our memes and then cancel it at the last minute. Anything! You name it.”
“Well,” the cave-lady thought long and hard, “I’ll tell ya what, a buncha mean ol’ velociraptors done got into our compost pile and scattered it all throughout this world. If y’all could find it all and bring it back I’d be real flattered!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Judge cried into the heavens.
“That’s from Star Wars,” Anthony said, quietly enough that it wouldn’t hurt the feelings of his heartbroken friend.
“For readers, uh, tasters who don’t know… we often play a lot of games where we have to collect garbage,” Chris explained.
Judge stopped weeping immediately. “Ugh. Why would you… ugh!” he wretched. Somewhere, a grotesque man belched.
“Look. I’m just gonna throw this out there, the best jokes are the ones that need to be explained,” Anthony added.
“Well, gentlemen! What have we learned?” Chris changed the subject.
“I told you, we can’t do that anymore.”
“You guys—you guys ever see Theodore Rex starring Wa-hoo-pee Goldberg?”
“Baahh, I’m a Whoopie X-Pac man myself.”
“X-Pac-MAN, am I right?”
“Look. That’s not even a joke.”
“Hey. You guys think Whoopie X-Pac dresses up like a nun and then during the recital he falls down and tears his poo-hole open?”
“While Ted Danson’s there in blackface trying not to break kayfabe…”
“Uggh. We are just the worst.”
At some point, the song Neanderthal Man by Elton John began playing, drowning out all of that bullshit.