Speed Run Power Rankings for the Week Ending in 1/4/2014

Speed Run Power Rankings for the Week Ending in 1/4/2014

AGDQ (Awesome Games Done Quick) is upon us. The charitable speed running marathon kicks off tomorrow and the internet is abuzz with speculation. Will BlueGlass laugh loudly at something (I hope so)? Will a homophobic guy get mad at someone being shirtless (probably)?  Will the animals in Super Metroid be saved or killed (they always save them and IT RUINS THE RUN)? Truly this is a magical time of the year. But before AGDQ kicks off, let’s rank this week’s Speed Runners:

The Synopsis of The Mexican Runner I heard on SundaySequenceBreak (http://www.twitch.tv/thesundaysequencebreak)

They said it couldn’t be done. They were wrong. But also partially correct! The Mexican Runner has been dethroned and the new king is… The Synopsis of The Mexican Runner I heard on SundaySequenceBreak! SundaySequenceBreak is a weekly stream broadcasted on www.speedrunslive.com that shows the latest world records by the runners on the site, or something. They talked about some lesser Runners before finally getting to The Mexican Runner. I scrambled for the mute button on my Billy Joel Spotify playlist and was not disappointed.

It seems The Mexican Runner (or TMR as they call him on SundaySequenceBreak) has captured the record for Contra (NES) after nine hours of attempts. But that’s not what dethroned The Mexican Runner in favor of The Synopsis of The Mexican Runner, oh no. It seems that TMR is going to Awesome Games Done Quick, but there was a problem getting a green card. Twitch had to vouch on TMR’s behalf to the U.S. government that he was going to the states to Speed Run. The fascinating meta-game surrounding The Mexican Runner is the only thing that can beat The Mexican Runner. That’s why, this week, The Synopsis of The Mexican Runner I heard on SundaySequenceBreak is #1!

Noobest (http://www.twitch.tv/noobest)

The Elajjaz/Noobest rivalry is heating up! Both of these men run Dark Souls. Both men use the Optimelle route (described last week). Both men use alternatively blue or red taffy men as their preferred characters. Both men are from Scandinavia. Both men have a generally calm and positive disposition. Don’t let that fool you, though; their rivalry is fierce.

Elajjaz added figurative KINDLING to the metaphorical BONfire by taking the #2 spot on last week’s Power Rankings. Since then, Noobest has doubled down on the blue taffy man strategy and achieved impressive results. Elajjaz must feel a renewed sense of threat from the blue taffy man powerhouse after coasting from his win last week. One thing is certain: the blood (Tearstone Ring) rivalry between these (Tomb of) giants is sure to venture onward, unlike my Hollow puns. Congratulations to Noobest for coming in at a #2!
Elajjaz (http://www.twitch.tv/elajjaz)

Elajjaz, you gotta practice your weapon-moveset-swapping, bud. #3.
puwexil (http://www.twitch.tv/puwexil)

One simple sentence was all it took for puwexil to ouster Caleb and Xerokynos from this week’s Power Rankings.

The game: Final Fantasy Seven.
The moment: Aerith’s death.
The admission: “sadly, I am desensitized to this scene since I run this game so much.”

Final Fantasy Seven speedrunning was never the same again. Puwexil has exceeded Caleb’s physical machismo with nerves of steel in a textbook demonstration of “mind over matter”. He didn’t loudly breathe into his microphone while he spoke, so that makes him beat Xerokynos.

However, this begs the question… what is lost in the Artform of Games and Gaming if the emotional impact of Aerith’s death is surmounted by speedrunning an eight hour long route over and over while having the audacity to stream it for other people to watch as “entertainment”? Unregardless of the answer, Puwexil uses his butterfly sword to cut above the rest at #4 this week.
dansgaming (http://www.twitch.tv/dansgaming)

Unseating werster’s #5 slot this week is dansgaming. Dansgaming (or “Dan” as he is affectionately dubbed by dansgamingers) is a man who runs all sorts of games. From Baldur’s Gate 2 to Final Fantasy Thirteen, “Dan” does it all! The viewing experience is paramount to a “Dan” Speed Run. He never resets, bucks the trend of having his splits and time onscreen, and lets cutscenes play so that we can all understand the plot. His time suffers because of it, but “Dan” is confident enough in his Speed Running skill-set to know streaming for others should be entertaining. Except when he reads text aloud.

A lot of people will “poo-poo” the face cam, but it offers us a new level of connection to the Runner. We often see “Dan” walk off camera, leading us to speculate: is he going to get more cashews to eat or just take a dump? This subtext is a welcome breath of fresh air from the relentless speedrunning grind. “Dan” is a humble guy; he realizes it’s about the game, not the Runner. He turns off his webcam during cutscenes to avoid distracting from the Video Game Experience. I feel that Dansgaming’s Speed Running peers would do well to emulate him. He’s gotta work on those splits, though!

Honorable Mentions
-Streaming the exact same game and run you’re scheduled to do at AGDQ.
-After-stream NFL playoff predictions.

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