Speed Runs Power Rankings for the Week Ending in 12/28/2013

The Speed Running community has reached new heights of popularity over the past few years, leading many new talents to explode onto the scene. I’m here to help separate the wheat from the chaff in a column called…

For the week ending in 12/28

TheMexicanRunner (http://www.twitch.tv/themexicanrunner)

I have never seen The Mexican Runner complete a single game. Having said that, he is my favorite Speed Runner. He is usually very quiet until he makes a mistake, in which case he likes to yell his famous catchphrase “puto madre”, which I believe translates to ”dog mother”.

The Mexican Runner was competing in a race against some other Speed Runners in Adventure Island. He skillfully glided through the first three worlds on a skateboard with only a few minor hiccups only to lose it all at the final boss of world three. For some reason, he
didn’t have continues but the other guys did. Most recently he has been seen trying to get the world record for Battletoads and not making it very far.

The Mexican Runner has ran straight into my heart through his charm and the pride he takes in his culture, making him number #1 on this week’s power rankings. Viva!

elajjaz (http://www.twitch.tv/elajjaz)

This bright young talent has all the makings of a great speedrunner. He is not very annoying to listen to and generally has a sunny disposition. He is aided from constantly doing runs of Dark Souls (one of the more interesting games to watch someone speedrun).

elajjaz (and several other runners) have switched to running the “Optimelle” route. This is more melee focused and I feel a breath of fresh air opposed to what seems like a cakewalk
with the “Crapplemage” magic-focused route. However, the downside of this is that it’s slightly luck-based because the runner has to hope the first Black Knight he or she encounters in this route drops a Black Knight Greatsword. Every boss fight becomes a nail-biter as reliance on the Blood Tearstone Ring demands little health and even still tinier room for
error.

I’ve seen elajjaz run this route the most frequently, and his generally positive demeanor helps with the grinding boredom of resetting after a no-drop, making him #2 to me.
Caleb (http://www.twitch.tv/calebhart42)

Caleb is, by far, the most swole speedrunner on the site. Don’t let that fool you into thinking he is a vain muscle head; he is a nice guy… maybe too nice.

He runs Mega Man X and is constantly working on his personal bests as an allegory to his never-ending quest for swoleness. However, at one point during a recent stream he said the human body naturally puts on weight during the winter months. Caleb is quite clearly thinking of squirrels, making me suspect his physique is not the result of hard work and diet, but rather juicing. Should Caleb’s records be invalidated if he is, indeed, juicing?  I can’t speak to that; all I can say for certain is that Caleb is the Hunk of Speed Running, “muscling” his place into #3 on the Power Rankings, juicing allegations notwithstanding.

Xerokynos (http://www.twitch.tv/Xerokynos)

Final Fantasy 7 is a game that surely requires no introduction. It’s a masterpiece from the badly translated dialog to the awful hoof hands the character models sometimes have. Some would say it’s a fool-hardy endeavor to speedrun a game that is normally 40+ hours long. I am one of those people and am correct.

Xerokynos holds the current World Record for the Japanese PC version of Final Fantasy 7. He obtained the remarkably quick time of two and a half hours by using a glitch involving fighting Yuffie at a certain point, causing a memory buffer overflow and loading another game’s save file which is at the final dungeon, I guess. The merits of this speedrun are dubious since he is not starting out with a completely clean memory card, but are also hindered by the fact this runner exhales directly into his microphone whenever he laughs and it is very annoying.  This puts him #4 in this week’s power rankings.

werster

Werster runs the first five minutes of Pokemon Crystal in a Sisyphysian attempt of getting  the perfect Totodile. I have never seen him reach the first gym. For this he clocks in at #5.

Honorable Mentions

  • Saying “urn” instead of “run”.
  • Saying “glod” instead of “gold”.
  • The emote of some guy’s dog or whatever.
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